My Only Admission

My struggle and veiled secret of lifelong depression is threatening to consume me in the most subtle, and therefore, most fatalistic fashion.

Like an unseen disease, coursing through my blood with only the mild and seemingly innocuous telltale sign of a sniffle or a cough.

The horror of arriving at your deathbed without knowing how you got there. As if integral functions of your mind suddenly went missing....nothing but a gaping, bloody wound/hole remains.

These are the thoughts that plague me with increasing intensity, each and every day. I suspect the quiet desperation I've learned to live with all my life has become a deafening roar...an unspecified implosion. I'm constantly in a state of bewilderment now. Confusion. Befuddlement. Acute memory loss. I do not know how to answer nor define the simplest of questions anymore.

I don't seem to know myself anymore.
When inquiries are made about me, I draw a vast blank.
Mentally and emotionally.
Is this a dementia of the soul?


I'm tired.


All I know is that I'm very, very tired.