My Only Admission

My struggle and veiled secret of lifelong depression is threatening to consume me in the most subtle, and therefore, most fatalistic fashion.

Like an unseen disease, coursing through my blood with only the mild and seemingly innocuous telltale sign of a sniffle or a cough.

The horror of arriving at your deathbed without knowing how you got there. As if integral functions of your mind suddenly went missing....nothing but a gaping, bloody wound/hole remains.

These are the thoughts that plague me with increasing intensity, each and every day. I suspect the quiet desperation I've learned to live with all my life has become a deafening roar...an unspecified implosion. I'm constantly in a state of bewilderment now. Confusion. Befuddlement. Acute memory loss. I do not know how to answer nor define the simplest of questions anymore.

I don't seem to know myself anymore.
When inquiries are made about me, I draw a vast blank.
Mentally and emotionally.
Is this a dementia of the soul?


I'm tired.


All I know is that I'm very, very tired.

Conversations?

Me: When I ask about feelings, I'm not just talking about what you do feel. It's okay to tell me what you don't feel, M. I won't be devastated by that admission.



Him [with wry, soft, curious, teasing smile]: No, you wouldn't, would you?



Me: No. If I did, then I have learned nothing from you.



Him [teasing, yet eyes are intent]: I think I might be slightly hurt by that.



Me [laughing through a tiny pang]: I said I wouldn't be devastated, not that I'm impervious. I'm human. So, so human. You seem to make me thoroughly aware of that the most.





I believe I took a fatal misstep with all the self-awareness and willingness only the most supine fool can muster. A milestone surrender.



So fucking be it.





I do it with joy and acceptance.

I do it with tenderness and vulnerability.

I do it openly and unselfishly.

I do it with fear and worry.



But most importantly, I do it freely.
Body and mind, heart and soul.

I've never experienced anything more beautiful.